The trouble with relationships...

I had some extra time to think today, and I realized that I have a serious problem with relationships in general. Something that runs deep that I hope that will be able to be fixed one day. I don't know how or when though.

Lets back it up to my childhood. My parents never established a "friendship" type relationship with me. I look at my friends and their parents sometimes and I can't help but wish my interaction with my parents would have been the same. My dad has always lived in the same house growing up with me, and he is mybiological father; but I think I've avoided talking to him at all costs up until these past few years...and I still don't seek conversation. Growing up, the only time he spoke to me was when he was yelling at me. I honestly can't remember before my junior year in high school a regular conversation. And the only advice I've ever gotten from him was that if I start college, I had better see it through to the end. If not I will have wasted my money....

My mom on the other hand was the opposite. She was nice and sweet and probably the most thoughtful person I've ever met- but I honestly can't think of the first thing she has taught me. I've learned absoultely nothing from her...and some subjects she tried to completely avoid in hopes that they go away. Like sex and relationships...she never said anything to me about either subject..except that she hopes that I don't have sex until I'm married, and she hopes that I don't get until a relationship until I'm done with college and working; living on my own (yeah right). I guess my parents have shown me what not to do should I ever have kids. I'm going to talk to them and teach them all that I've learned and more....and I will NEVER avoid subjects that are going to pop up as a part of life anyway...

Then there are my sisters. My eldest sister, the one that I had the possibility to have a friendship with, was some what of a wild seed. She was about 7 years older than me for starters, so the age difference was vast enough to be an issue in itself. She was in high school; I was only in elementary. She was the poster child for the rebellious teen...did everything in the book including getting pregnant at the young age of 15 with my nephew David (who is like my little brother because he was raised by my parents). She also ran away frequently, and around 17 she joined job corp in West Virginia and then moved to Florida. No relationship there. Then, there's my middle sister. What can I say about her... As far back as I can remember, she has stopped speaking to me for months at a time. Like...I'm five, and she would stop talking to me for six months because I accidently ate her slice of pizza or something as small and stupid. Right now she's at about the 4 month mark of not speaking to me...who knows what I did this time- but I'm to the point now where that relationship means nothing to me anymore. Who has time to skate around someone so fickle and childish??

Then, there's my dating relationships. For some reason I find it hard to connect with people... be it that they are too goofy, too serious, too quiet, too loud, too annoying, too clingy, too detached or just too boring..I can never find someone that meets all the qualities that I want in a guy. Honestly, I only felt like I found this once...and it was a serious crash and burn. The only guy I've ever loved and I was dealing with for about 6 years off and on just so happened to be lying to me the entire time. So in retrospect, this is one of the people that I've felt closest to in my life...only to be betrayed in the worst way...and now I'm left with nothing.

Really, my friends are the only real relationships that I've ever had...and for one reason or another at times I even question majority of those. I guess everyone isn't meant to live the life of companionship and close bonds..

Sometimes I hope for different, but lonliness is a slippery slope. Sometimes you just get used to it and start pushing people away. Here's hoping for the future...